Now, I don’t know if am the only one, but most times I dread the question what do you want to do after 4th.

Or with your life.

Honestly, the question what do you want to be is the kind that keeps me up at night because I want to pursue so many things and venture into different fields that it’s depressing when I can’t seem to major at any of them.

Growing up, most kids already had a preset mind about what they wanted to be when they grew up. 

Doctors, pilots, engineers and all those ‘luxurious’ career choices we lifted our hands up to proudly tell our class two counterparts. 

Unfortunately, I wasn’t.

I , for one, wanted to became Kibaki’s house maid because my little dumb head told me they were probably paid a lot of money and ate good food unlike my dad’s favorite meal. Githeri. 

Yeah…you heard me right…imagine that was my class two mentality!(Insert emoji with palm on forehead)

So growing up, the question of what do you want to be when you grow up has always confused me and left me in thought because I want to become a number of things..and I wouldn’t pick one which I was drawn to.

My highschool life was no better. 

I recall my form one clinic, (when parents came to school to analyze results)… I wrote down dentist as my career choice. Though frankly I did that to impress my dad, and also because I was really enjoying my biology classes. I still remember how proudly he smiled at that.

I toyed with the idea of becoming a DJ so my highschool friends started calling me DJ something (Hee…I will tell you that name next time)

In my form two clinic, I changed the career option to music producer. I was taking music lessons, facinating! You should have seen the disappointed look on my father’s face…more so my math’s teacher who went speechless and just gave me the “You are not serious” kinda look.

All this while, I still didn’t really know what I wanted to be…I am not sure I still do.(Urghhh)

My form three clinic day was nearing. That morning I still didn’t know what to write on my sheet for a career option. 

So I perused the dictionary and came across the word Geologist. Haa I loved Geography at that point…plus the name sounded fancy so I wrote it down hoping my dad had no idea what it meant.

He took a look at my sheet and said “Watu waliacha kuchimba mawe sasa unataka kuchimba mawe ya nini?)  

”People stopped excavating rocks, what do you want to dig them up for?”

I was busted. Me and my geology vocabulary. 

Form four was worse. The numerous career talks about choosing universities and the courses you would want pursue. 

I really didn’t have like a burning career option… I studied smart, to attend university as a regular student but not really for a particular kind of career.

(I know you’re thinking I wasn’t serious)  

So, that has been the story of my life..

I got lucky, joined university though as an education student…besides choosing theatre and film as my first option against my parent’s approval.

English and literature being one of my passions makes me enjoy the education option but I don’t feel like teaching is my thing.

I want to become a serious writer, renown columnist some day. Others, I wanna write scripts and cast in movies or theatre plays.. I wanna sing in a band so bad and perform to live audiences…I have also pictured myself in the media industry and want to be an entrepreneur as well.

I work as a research assistant and I would consider that line of work because of the pay. If the worst comes to worst…become a high school teacher…I am actually not that bad.

These are answers that run through my mind when someone asks me about what I want to do once I am done with school.

Truth be told, I dread this question most of time because by telling them my myriad of career options; I run the risk of appearing like the greatest joker..or an unfocused grown up, who still hasn’t figured out her life yet.

I am the kind who becomes so interested and invested in something… say like the number of novels I have started…and just when I begin to entertain the idea of becoming a published author… I lose interest and start pursuing something different.

Sometimes, it weighs down on me when someone looks at me like I am not serious for telling them I am yet to figure out what I want to become.

Maybe I am not alone, there are several of us out there. 

It can be confusing and disappointing as well.

Luckily, I found a name for these kind of traits in people.

They are simply called multipontentialities(Long name huh?). 

The opposite is specialists. ( people who know and are definite about what they want to be.)

While the people who posses these kind of traits are called multi-potentialites.

These are the kind who have different interests and creative persuits in life. The ones whose hyperactive curiosity makes them want to explore different areas and may have more than one calling in life.

You are the kind living in a society that tries to conform you into studying, to become that burning career you should have had since you were young.

There are so many things you want to excel at which make you feel like something is wrong with you .This is because you just can’t pick one. Sometimes you feel anxious, purposeless and lost.

Which makes you doubt’s depressing while the rest label you unfocussed but guess what, nothing is wrong with you.

You are perfectly normal, and gifted.

You are a quick learner and one who is possibly less afraid to try out different things in life. Right?

You are the kind of person who often has the ability to step out of your comfort zone and learn a new thing, which most of the times is connected to everything you want to do.

You contain the power of formlessness

Instead of thinking about what you could be…think of all the things you could be. No one said you you have to pick one thing and throw the rest of your passions into the gutter? (Though society pretty much reasons that way.)

You have multiple potentials…and no, it’s not a limitation.. It’s your own unique ability.

You could be a teacher who performs in a band sometimes, teaches dance, writes scripts for films and stops to become an entrepreneur. 

You don’t have to narrow down.

Something else,  you are adoptable

Being flexible means you take on whatever life throws at you with ease and make lemonade out of it. 

Therefore, you shouldn’t narrow your focus on just one thing instead embrace yourself and the many passions you possess. 

Think of it as an amazing gift..embracing it will lead you to a happier existence as opposed to beating yourself up for it.

Which I’m still learning to do and you could too.

Embrace yourself and how different you are from the rest. It shouldn’t be depressing at all.

 I know it has felt like it many times…that feeling of purposelessness, but not anymore.

There are people like you out here. They got a name as well…


 So just in case you also fall under this category, or you know someone who does, and they feel lost in the confusion of their inability to narrow down to one calling in life, remind them it’s a gift and not a curse.

You could read more about it, and begin your journey of self discovery..and how to work around your multipotential

You could start with the link below…

Discover yourself, and this amazing gift.

It’s going to be okay.

Lilian 2018.



So sometime back I used to really question myself. 

Like in a lot of instances in my life, it’s usually hard for me to hold grudges even on someone who has immensely brought me pain.

 I do for a while and then it vanishes…and I am left thinking that didn’t stay long enough depending on the magnitude of the hurt. 

Deep down I used to be like I wish I was really angry with them…cut contacts for a long time…so I show them that whatever they did was wrong.

 I even faked grudges with people just so they wouldn’t think I’m too weak and to show that I’m mad at whatever. So that next time they think twice before they take advantage of my quickened forgiveness.

With time, however, I have viewed it as a sieve. I don’t hurt much or have prolonged baggage because I sieve pretty fast. Which is actually a good thing. To me at least.
Now….imagine holding on to a hot red glowing coal for sometime. Say five minutes.

 The coal immediately begins to burn your palm and continues hurting/scarring it for as long as it’s still clenched on your hand right? 

The agony intensifying every second that you persist clutching on to it tighter.

 Courtesy of Google.

The only way to stop the burns would be to let go of the hot coal… so you can maybe dip you palm in wheat flour ( I know you didn’t know this…it really helps..fixes burns fast) or sought means on how to fix it.

That way the pain reduces.

The visible burns however will grace your palm. The more you held on to it the bigger, deeper and more painful the burn will be. However, with treatment overtime, it begins to heal forming a scar.

The scar either completely disappears or is left on the affected area depending on the damage caused by the coal. Right? 

 Some scars never go away. Staying forever sometimes as a reminder of the agony from the burning coal.

Now more often than not in our lives; we stumble upon hot burning coals which we continue to clench onto our palms. 

Could be in form of people, in form of situations or experiences that leave us with burns and scars for the entirety of our lives.

Sometimes it’s our own families; the people we love and trust the most.

Glowing coals can be in form of our closest friends who betray us in ways we would never have imagined. Bosses at work, neighbours, spouses colleagues, rapist…to name but a few.

In short, coals are people, experiences or situations which continue to snatch us off our abundance of life. 

 Choosing how long you are going to hold on to the red glowing coal… the memories, the pain, the experiences the frustrations, the stress is completely in your hands.

Now imagine if our hearts were like sieves. We would learn to sieve all the negative energy…the negative thoughts about ourselves that cause us scars like low self esteem. 

Letting go of anything that causes us pain and frustration. Anything that brings in pessimism into our lives. 

Sieving the friends that add no value…sieving the toxic relationships that bring you down and hinder your growth. 

Sieving the behaviours and character that fails to bring out the best out of us..

Sieving it all. 

The negative. 

So how about today…you let go of these feelings. 

Of the hatred you harbour for the other person…over something they did long ago, which unfortunately continues to dig deep into your soul. 

Unfortunately the people we hold grudges against or are intensely mad at, live their lives fully and are happy. 

What about you? Are you?

Sieve the jealousy that you have for that other person. Life is not a competition..We all tread on different lanes…help to uplift them instead. 

Stop holding on to hate, to pain, to experiences, situations, to lost love, to heartbreaks….sieve it all.

Letting go of the coals in your life, won’t be an instant end to your suffering or to your burning self. 

Your palm is still going to hurt…you’re still going to tear from the pain…from the void of letting go of the friends that cause you harm…from the situations that harm.

But letting go of the same coal will be the beggining of your healing… (Somebody say amen ahem!) 

The minute you let go of the burning coal…The healing begins. 

The decision to end it all..not to hurt anymore. To sieve it all…to let go of the troubles because you deserve better. 

You know you do.

It will take time for the pain to leave. It’s not instant. Sometimes slow and gradual.

The scar will form and it will leave too. Depending on how long you hold on to the coal though… If you hold on to it too long…..the scar is going to remind you of how long it took you to finally let go. 

That’s why it’s important, that you let go of glowing coals early enough.

So today, I hope you finally make a choice to let go. To sieve your anger, the self loathing comments you put upon yourself , your betrayed feelings all the negative vibes you’ve piled upon your heart, mind and  your whole entire being.

Some of us hold on to heartbreaks forever. Now I know it’s painful and it’s never easy to let go of that which we built our entire lives on.

How about you start focusing on yourself from now on. Draw the curtains to your life…and let the healing of the beautiful sun rays caress your fragile heart.

Fill your heart, feed your soul with positive vibe. Turn your life around. 

Sieve it all. The people, strong and bold enough to stand with you will be left behind.

Sometimes holding on to something prevents you from bringing better things into your life.

 Sieve and let the universe fill your life again..

 You deserve love, 

You deserve peace of mind and heart.

You deserve people who love you and cherish you for you.

You deserve to love yourself…

You deserve a life of abundance.

You deserve a heart on a sieve.

You decide.


@Lilian 2018


​So I keep scrolling my phone, hoping to stumble upon a text from you…not a lot of talk I know, given you’re an I keep hoping it would at least sound like hi Lilie. 

Courtesy of Pinterest.

But then every other time I scroll down I know it’s pointless, like tryna catch a whale in a stream.

Ever met someone who you thought if only they would pursue you a little more would give them that chance. The one that others hope to have.

But then being a lady means sitting  there and hoping cupid is in control throwing more arrows than he normally would because if anyone asked you, this was the guy you would wanna have. Quite frankly you wouldn’t put your heart on the line, and tell them ‘Hey don’t give up yet I would actually consider you.’ 

You’ve got to wait and see what unfolds.Right? 

So, they pursue you a little more seriously at first..and they would never imagine the excitement that bubbles up inside you. To actually believe they would wanna get serious with you..coz yes! yes! You feel some chemistry and they are the ones you wanna be with at some point. 

Still, you wouldn’t wanna get your hopes up because you never know what tommorow holds. We’ve all had that person who was so serious at first but when you began getting cosy and entertain the idea of giving them a chance, they completely go MIA…and you are left wondering what the hell went wrong.

So in this case, you wanna give your heart a benefit of a doubt, that this person wants you genuinely…at the same point reminding your heart to not get too trusting just in case they disappoint you. 

Which they do in the end anyway. The reason you should’nt get your hopes up too quickly in the first place, expectations always hurt.

Let’s just say they stop giving you some green lights just when they are inches away from yielding the fruits of them pursuing you.

So being a lady, you sit at a corner maybe a little bit disappointed that they gave up too easily. When they were the type you would genuinely give a chance because guys like them don’t show up every other day.

Anyway, you convince yourself in the end they were never meant to be. Though you kinda wish they were.(chuckles)

Then again, life shouldn’t stop there besides some other ones could stumble upon your way. Who knows maybe the one who sticks around a little longer, with a little more determination would be the one who gets the dance of victory. 

@Lilian 2018.



Courtesy of Pinterest.

She lay dead beside him.

No, not the kind of breathless death with a dagger to the heart, or a bullet to the brain, not the one that involves death angels ferrying departed souls across holes.

I mean….

She lay dead beside him, breathing. 

A slow tense breath.

 The touch; cold. Unbelievably cold.

Her eyes, pale. Pale as death itself. 

Not one’s full of joyful love…The eyes that once set fires upon his soul, splashing a myriad of color to his world… These same set of eyes that pierced his heart the first time he looked into them and he had known he was trapped, for life. 

The look in them this time was lifeless. 

Her lips, had a taste of deception to them. He felt it, with each slobby  smooch. 

 How they failed to respond to his like they once did. The furious fires, wild desire were now but a mirage, a distant illusion.

He’d dug into his past, to find a dead love. The remnants; shreds of his unwanted heart.

 Had their love failed the test of time? What about when she stood rooted by the train station, sobbing in his arms, soaking his military jacket.

Did the vows mean a thing? 

Had she any idea, how the thoughts of her had strengthened his soul in the battle field? Even as bullets rained their camp every single damn day.

Had she thought for a second, she was the reason he wouldn’t give death the pleasure to fetch his soul? 

I mean, how could he?

With a woman beautiful as she, waiting for him at the end of it all?  

Only to come back to what?

A cold touch, a different woman.

 God forbid but his guts screamed there was someone else.

Someone else had poked fingers into his cream. 

Stripped off his undying love, from the soulful depth of his woman.

Wait, was she even his woman? 

The fires they’d once set upon each other on this same bed were distant memories. The gasps of air after a fort night of sinful pleasure. Gone!

He was afraid…scared as f***k to confront his demons.

As the life threatening voices in his head screamed at him over and over again. 

“Her love for you is dead man!”

“You know it, it’s someone else in there.”

“Get yourself a life now son.”

“She’s gone, dead and gone.”

A friend asked me to write a piece based on the picture above. Hope I did it justice  Poet Ogutu.☺️

 5oth post on my blog too. (Smiles)

@Lilian 2018.



Courtesy of

I swear I have been drafting this piece in my mind every fort night,  promising to finally put it down here…but procrastination wouldn’t let me. (Insert that emoji with palm on forehead) It is definitely something I ought to leave behind in 2017.

Talking of 2017, I hope you all had a wonderful year, full of blessings and love, achievements and all the good things that tag along with life. I really hope you did.

 Personally, 2017 has to be one of the best years I have lived, actually I would say the best. 
I was more conscious of my choices and decisions and a lot of good things happened this year well and the bad too.

The good though.. overshadowed the bad.

 I was hoping to share some of the lessons I took home this year. Do some kind of end of year review.

Which I hope you have done too, noted it down somewhere say a diary or notebook.. before the clock finally strikes midnight, and we shower in the new year. I digress.

Perhaps, the greatest lesson I learnt this year is, the value of being alone. (hee… I saw how you raised that eyebrow).

 Love is a beautiful thing don’t get me wrong.

However, I learnt that it’s completely okay to be alone, to commit to no one else but yourself. You awe it to you, to shower yourself with all the love and attention, give your self a trip to self discovery. 

You’d rather hold meaningful friendships over stressful relationships. 

That’s a fact!

The peace I have felt all year long is amazing. Create time for yourself, this year has helped me soul search myself, set my standards right, I mean it’s been a beautiful journey of self realisation.

I would almost recommend that people trend the singlehood phase sometime in their lives, (chuckles). 

It’s definitely worth a try.

The importance of having friends outside your age bracket, social circle, career path and status.

I have met so many amazing and different people this year. The fact that I was on long holiday for most of 2017 created the perfect outside campus experience. 

At an NGO I worked for between the holiday, my collegues at teaching practice. Having friends beyond your age or social circle instills a lot in you. Some inspire you and show you that you still have a long way to go. 

At the same time appreciating the little things that you do. 

Others are good for networking, you will need that. Mature advice, across spheres.. relationships, career, life that comes from the older guys. It was beautiful interacting with a variery of people this year.

You are never going to please everyone and that’s okay

For the longest time in my life I was so focused on making everyone smile, be happy and have a good time sometimes at the expense of my own happiness. 

So whenever someone was negative, or seemed like they weren’t enjoying my company, or stuff I did it weighed  down on me.

I have met people who wouldn’t read my blog because I throw in swahili/sheng words in there, others claim I use simple language, try add those huge sets of vocabulary in there, others don’t approve of sharing personal experiences here….

 You know what you can’t make everyone happy. 

So stop fixing yourself to suit or fit in with everyone so as to please them because you can’t.

 Appreciate the people who love you for who you are, you don’t awe anyone anything. You owe yourself beautiful rays of sunshine, optimism  and all the happiness in the world. Sawa?

It’s okay to fall out with friends.

I had my highs this year, but I also fell out with a number of friends, who I feel were impacting my life in a not very positive way. 

Some made me feel like something was wrong with me, simply because I didn’t conform to the way they live. (Sponsor things) and so on.

 This year taught me that you will at some point need to cut out people in your life who do not add any value to it. In fact don’t hesitate to, if you have friends who drag you down every time or toxic relationships, get rid of them ASAP. 

Happiness is not an ambition or something you aspire to have/achieve.

More often than not, we all assume that being happy is like a goal we hope to achieve say come 2018.

Being happy is living the moment, and appreciating the little things that happen that make you smile. Be it the laughter of kids, or the moment you spend with friends, or your spouse, deriving joy from your work, or the little or great things you achieve/accomplish on a daily basis.

Live the moment, and do the things that make you happy now.

 Happiness shouldn’t be a goal that you aspire. Like you will be happy once you get the right job, once you graduate from campus..No! be happy in the present

No one knows about tommorow!! Cliche but that’s true.
Live in the moment.

I wouldn’t know what title to give this, but this year has changed my perception about a lot of things.

 I made a new friend, in fact a great friend with someone who was physically challenged. 

Earlier on I looked at people on wheelchairs and clutches and I felt a lot of pity/compassion or compelled to treat them different; in  a more gentle manner.

This amazing friend loathed pity. She made me realise how wrong my perception was, they are just like every other person. It’s just her legs that were the problem. 

We talked about boys (this came as a surprise, I would have sworn she’s the reserved, ‘saved’ kind) life, relationships, ambitions, dreams..and so on. 

She was and still is awesome. A happy, bubbly soul. 

Treat them as normal people, talk to them, laugh together they are human. Don’t pull off the pity face, upon meeting them..(sometimes we can’t help it, but don’t.)

 I took that vital lesson home.

The value of appreciating what you’ve got.

Have you ever thought you are the most unfortunate person in this world, ranting about the job you don’t like, your parents this and that..small issues with your relationship.

Then you hear someone’s else’s experience or story of their life and you feel like apologising to God?

I have met people who shared their life stories. Kids from rich families who wish they knew what family feels like made me appreciate my own family more. The fact that we always have supper together seemed so kawaida to me..but it’s something that other families might not experience. 

I didn’t always like the idea of studying education in campus, quite frankly my friends and I still say we won’t be teachers in future.

 I met a lady, who has been through so much in life, her own mother hates her (shared her story in diary of a 20 year old wife) so she couldn’t pursue her dream of becoming a teacher of English like myself. She envies the chance I have.

Stories like this made me grateful for everything in my life even more those that seemed like kawaida(normal) things. I no longer take it for granted.

Moving on, I am honestly so grateful for 2017. 

 Including the set backs, the quarter life crisis checking in, which made me self doubt a lot of things and made me feel like I was stagnating in life.

But it taught me the value of being patient with myself and living a day at a time. 

Appreciating my little achievements so far as opposed to comparing them to other peoples’, looking at all the things I am yet to accomplish and feeling like a looser.

Winding up, I would like to deeply thank you all for taking time to read my pieces, the feedback, the love, the constructive criticism. All of it. 

I hit 5000 plus views this year. It’s a humbling experience for me. Thank you guys. For anyone I rattled I am truly sorry..for the ones I probably inspired, I am humbled.(smiles)

Finally, happy new year to you, on this last day of 2017. May all your dreams, goals and your resolutions for 2018 come true. Nawapenda! 

With Love,




Twenty something years ago, somewhere in Mombasa, 

two young ladies, Cate and a friend decided to visit some guy named Joe’s place. 

The lady whose name I can’t recall, happened to be Joe’s cousin, it was basicaly a ‘kawaida’ meeting on a hot Sunday afternoon.(That last detail, I am not very sure about.)

Something extra ordinary happened from that visit though.

Joe being a bachelor, deep down always wanted a teacher for a wife, and not only a teacher, but one with beautiful big legs. ( jameni things men go looking for lol!) 

So, Cate was introduced to Joe, who happened to be this ladies’ colleague at a school they taught. To add on to that, she had the beautiful big legs. Jackpot!! Heee

I would love to believe the spark was spontaneous, 

Joe knew spot on this woman was THE ONE. The woman he wanted by his side, one he would share his all with. The bone of his bones, the mother of his kids. The rest as they say is history. (Smiling boldly).

I don’t know how much time lapsed between then, but flash forward, nine months later this very lovely woman lay in a maternity ward in intense labour pains . 

In, a stubborn fetus who hadn’t had enough of her mum’s safe haven yet. I guess I was a little scared to come out into the world of the unknown. 

Two weeks later, (a day like this, 16th Dec) I figured, there was no point, prolonging my stay, wouldn’t stay there forever, would I?  

At around 11 little infant’s cry warmed the hearts of anxious souls.

 I am told my mum went through hell, for the two weeks loosing her 

 premolars as I had al ready used up most of the calcium in her body. (wooie). She has those gaps til date.

Which makes me feel so sorry anytime she mentions that (moment of silence hee) but the love of a mother is so overwhelming. I will always be grateful to her.

Now, I am one year older today,

 which I call aging gracefully hehe. I got to admit though that was the best of the years I have lived, after last year which was something else;

bad start, spent the better afternoon of new year cuddled in a cold cell and no I was not guilty of anything..(story for another day). 

This year, has been a road to self discovery more than anything else. I have met people who have inspired me, pushed me to be a better person.

 Shared their life experiences which has taught me to appreciate what I’ve got.

Taught high school students for my teaching practise, which I did so well, they offered me a job after campus. 

Grew my blog’s views by four times last year’s number.

I mean I am literally counting my blessings one by one. I owe it all to God. 

The setbacks were there definitely, but with each came an important lesson that I took home. Patience, perseverance, forgiveness to name a few, and for it all, I am grateful. 

On this day, I want to thank everyone who made this year great. God the giver of all first, I don’t take it for granted that I am alive. 

My lovely parents Cate and Joe ( haa I hope I did justice to how they met, wish mum gave me some more details). My sister Joy, my brother Denis and my lovely niece Talia. Oh and cousin Marvin.

Most of all, to all the people who believe in me enough, to spare their time to read from my blog. I am always so humbled, for the feedback. The constructive critisism helps become a better writer. May God bless you all.

Finally, happy birthday to me (ahem!) and all the legends born in December, most especially my birthday twins. May we have many many more.




I am sharing my friend’s post because I wish there was a way I would help her. I hope someone is filled with compassion and offers meaningful suggestions. It’s a long read. 

Courtesy of Pinterest.

Its been quite a while. It has been a roller coaster. Not been easy at all. So I happened to go through an article and apparantely realised that I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse. It is so difficult living a life of being controlled all through. That life whereby you feel all empty and all you have to do is please people. You become a scapegoat for all their incompetence in their lives. You tend to be more of a puppet controlled by strings in the hands of someone. 

Life can be so strange. Sometimes I wonder why people get so cruel. I do get it now that we all can’t be same just as the five fingers in our hands. Its so painful how someone can hurt you with no second thoughts at all. Nothing pricks like having our own being a part of the mess in your life. So I figured out that there are mothers out there who are narcissistic to their daughters. It felt relieving to see that I wasn’t going through this alone. Having to see millions of girls globally open up their stories on how miserable their relationships with their mothers are, some even worse made me stronger. I decided to open up about mine to the world to.

 My parents divorced when I was a year old. My mother then got married to someone else afterwards. My relationship with my mam has not been good. More of how a mother and daughter would relate. I was never treated like my siblings. I remember at the age of six my mother once accused me of having an affair with her husband. It hit me hard, at that point I wasn’t even noticing how all this happened. The ego and all the heatbreak made me wonder all through as to how I could relate with my mother’s husband that way. He loved me like his own daughter and I treasured him, he was my hero!. Life went on, my relationship with my mother never blossomed. I was so scared of her and I tried my very best to please her. Be the daughter I thought she would always love. I was so desperate for her love. There was wealth and the lifestyle was all anyone could ever dream of but it gave me no peace. 

At the age of 7, I came to realise that I had a dad, a politician. He was my biological dad. What hurt me is all these years he never even searched for me. Another man loved me more like his own daughter. I lived with it. I blossomed into a young lady fighting family abuse. My own cousins and uncles would try to molest me. Have me to fulfil their own desires but no one would ever believe me. Afterall, who would hurt family? Its always considered as one’s “safe heaven”. So I pulled it off and lived with it despite the scar it always left me with. Never to be erased. So a time reached and my mom divorced my foster father. We moved in to another house and she got married to someone else. An alchoholic! So it affected me, my only hope, the man who always got my back was away from me. All my mam saw me was a threat to snatch her men away from me. Like why would I do that? 

I struggled with my studies. A point reached that I could never concentrate. I felt so useless. My self esteem shot so low, I became suicidal and miserable. I turned to a couple of friends but everyone just went away. Everyone I talked to asked me if I was my mom’s biological daughter. Its never in anyone’s mind that a mother could treat a daughter that way. To others, I was living a lie but it was only me who knew what I went through. A point it became violent, whenever my mam thought I was with a guy, she would strip me naked and check down there if I was still a virgin. Get beaten at several instances and it just pushed me away from her. 

I was my biggest friend for only I knew what I went through behind the four walls. It brought me hell, she had the money, power and with how she was, no one ever believed me. She was the perfect figure of a mother! All smiles, she helped people, she cried to people when I complained, it was just the perfect cover up! No one ever believed me. I lived in my own world with the biggest fantasy of running away from home. At times I imagined having another mam and a different life. Whoever I opened up to, I got too attached since I used the love to replace my mother’s. It had just been difficult.

 I remember attempting suicide and it only made matters worse. As my alcoholic father started molesting me, I was scared, how was I supposed to face my mam and tell her all this? Apparantely, as one day the man called me, she grabbed the phone and listened to his dirty talk. After all that, she accused me of wanting to steal her husband! It all turned back to me. It all became too much for me. My own mother was treating me like a co wife. At that age, fine but at the age of 6!! She still thought I could snatch her man from her! How on earth does that happen? Seriously, how??

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I became miserable as years passed by. As my friends yearned for the bell to home in school, I prayed for time to come to a standstill. I was miserable. I tried committing suicide countless times but I just guess God didn’t want me dead. As I finished high school, a man came with a marriage proposal. He was all poshy and everyone at home was excited. My mam was head over heels. He had a brand car and all money. I was pushed into the alliance, I just decided to turn to God and He was faithful. It turned out he was secretly married and had a daughter, information I have kept to myself all these years. I was in a relationship with a guy, he was all I had. My weakness, I turned to him for everything. It felt like without him I would die. I would cry like a baby everytime we split up. I felt vulnerable. I loved him and it felt like love was the only thing I wanted that kept me alive. After years since high school, we just broke up and it was terrible. He was so insecure about me and my family.

My higher education was a misery. I finished high school with a C+. Higher education was a predicament, mam thought university would cost her a fortune. I had to practically plead her to send me to college where she just paid my admission fee and first semester. From there it was none of her business, I struggled my way through college with every little penny I had. Sometimes I basically had to beg from several people to get my fees paid. What hurt is I performed well and no one cared about my education. Half way through it, I left home and stayed with a sister of my mom after she sent me away claiming I was ” way of a woman since I could pay my college fees.”  I had met a man who worked in a bank, I loved him and had introduced him to her, apparantely he was despised due to his tribe. My mother wanted nothing to do with him. We later got married in the kadhi s office.

I was a curse to my mother. A shame and a predicament. She had hoped her daughter would bring a lavish man, with all wealth in the world. I was young, at the age of nineteen. Married with a man. It was crazy. I felt too young for it. With just a diploma and nothing for myself. My mates were in universities pursuing their careers. It hurt me everyday I saw updates whethet on social media or reality as my mates moved on with their lives.

I struggled to conceive. It was terrible. All my husband kept asking for was a baby. It felt good being married to a different place, I got to travel away from my hometown for a while but marriage was tough. There were times I felt not good enough for my husbands. His friends were more educated than I was, his working class was way different than mine. I got so insecure. Being a housewife was terrible. A year after, I talked to my mam and reconcilled. Not wanting to live my whole life without her. I was always so desperate for her love. I melted anytime I saw her. I tried so much to please her. She was good but then she began! She wanted a wedding! She talked badly about my marriage. Not wanting chaos., we organised for one and we did a lavish wedding like she wanted a year after my marriage.

It was the worst turning point of my life, after rhe wedding, things were never the same again. My husband turned out to have a smuggling scandal, he lost his job, got admitted and the insurance couldnt pay his bills. I was so devastated. Back to zero again. There I was, so young, at 20 having gone through hell and back. I had to look for a job. Rent became stressful, my mam asked me to move back home. I saw an opportunity to save up on alot. I moved home. A mistake I will regret for the rest of my life.

Life was smooth till people showed true colors. I started being controlled again. Where I was going, time I came back, what I did, everything. My mam was giving me the silent treatment everytime. It was always about how useless I was and how I had a good for nothing husband. There was no respect at all. With finding a job, I wanted to move out after 2 months of hell. That was when all hell broke loose. My mom technically got hold of all my assets on the pretext of payin back all she did for the wedding and taking us in. I had to start afresh.

I moved to a new house with 3 bags of clothes and a box filled with 3 plates and a set of glass. I was so devastated. This isnt how I pictured my life. Seeing how my mam took all the things I struggled for hurt. When I had got married, we had nothing, I lived as we developed a step at a time. The assets she had, we had bought each of them with hardwork and sweat and it pricked like a fresh wound everyday. 

Having to stand up for everything all myself was overwhelming. All my husband did was whine. It pissed me off like hell. I had to pay the rent, buy food, pay bills! So difficult for me. Life was so terrible. I kept asking myself everyday where I ever went wrong. Which kind of parent would do such a thing to her won child? It hurts so much! So so much.! I wish I was never married. Right now am so off. All I ever want is to be independent and build a life for myself. Prove that am worth it and no matter how people bring me down I will always rise. 

At first I thought it was just me but I realised not all girls have a perfect life. There are millions going through narcissistic abuse and its real! It happens. A narcissisist could be your mom, your dad or your spouse. It happens. We live in a world wherby we have to create awareness. I live with the hope of inspiring the girl child out there everyday. I believe my xperience is not in vain. My passion in writing ignites everyday. The spark has always been there. I believe I will change lives and make a difference. Its not easy having to be pictured perfect with the smile I put. 

As women, we conceal alot. There is much more hidden behind that perfect smile and curvy body. We cry ourseleves to sleep without our spouse noticing or giving a shit about it. Mother hide tears from their children and act all well. All this always happens. We are all strong in different ways. I believe I am strong and it keeps me going everyday. I do breakdown sometimes, I cry so much, pity myself then get back up and fight my day like nothing ever happened. Not because I have no choice but because am a woman and phenomenal women rise above all predicaments. Its what makes us tough. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Or does it?